I don't know what this is.

I feel so nice, sitting on my chair in the back yard, by the fence, where the sun will stay latest. Carys is spraying me with the plants water bottle. The wind is blowing every so often, and Cowboy Junkies turned up in the shuffle. We are going to stay on them for a while. It is like daytime david lynch. The pretty stuff. The sun feels amazing. I love to soak it up in every area I can possibly expose without truly traumatizing my child or anyone silly enough to peek through the fence. There is a nice quiet lady one one side whose daughter and grand baby are visiting. they are outside, i can hear the tone of speak that means a baby is in the conversation. The other side has a family, man, woman, kid, doggie. A Yorkie! they also have a grandpa, i think. That dog is adorable. The woman told me that you can run with it. How soon this chick will be running is still a question mark. I stubbed my toe in the largest possible way this weekend. I kicked one of those foot shaped stepping stones. Eyeroll, please. The fucker looks like an abused rump roast in the half price bin. Purple and grey-green, with enough pink to suggest it was alive at sometime not too far in the past.

Back in the yard again.

Dream

I thought i had escaped dreaming in my hiding out today, but my child asked if i dreamed, and suddenly i remembered, yes, i had. I was going to a fancy dinner prom type event, i think it was high school oriented, anyway,  i know I was wearing a beautiful dress, silky and flowing, navy and white, it seems like. Well, at some point I was seated besides this boy that took up entirely too much of my thinking time as a girl, and he was as handsome as ever, nice and neat. Somewhere along the way my dress ripped, and I had to tie part of it around me to keep it on. Mr. W. helped me when it needed attention. 

So, I might as well go stare into a cloud because I have no idea about a thing in this world. I suppose it is a step up from having your dress simply disappear in a crowded high school cafeteria. 

oh, yeah.

Thank god, i have remembered my place in this specific life. Stop your sobbing and clean the fucking house. That is all you gotta do. 

It's all good.

I guess we got home around 230 or 3? well i went to sleep and woke up in the dark, with my barnacle child attached to me and didn't know what or where or any of that stuff for a few. It wasn't that bad, now that i am back here and think about it. I am being a good little mental patient and taking all of my drugs. Need to get 2 refills tomorrow.It really is hard, sometimes, to do that 'don't take anything personally' advice. There are a few people I love beyond reason, and goddamit, you know that is where the arrows can pierce any type of armour. I shouldn't have to explain my self and I won't. I will tell you about my weekend if you like, though. We were supposed to go visit invalid inlaw, but she was not up to it. I, myself was not up for travelling after such a week of illness and recalled memories of magnitude, just wanted to stay home and rest. Well, that is not even something i dare mention. So we go to hot springs. we go to my home away from home and bring the whole fam this time. Oh, who even cares. It was tense, it is still tense, i take all of my drugs and i still remember all the things I took such great care to bury deep in the dirt, old and new. I still do it, just forget in order to forgive. And now on top of feeling like i want to live in my jammies and pour my sour lemonade into keystrokes, i get one last little poke to make me want to cry. I despise crying. I feel like I have met my quota for life, and as with sleep, i want none of it. Sleep, my best friend, and worst enemy. it is easier to pull those poisoned arrows out, but seriously, i don't think i want to be in their path. Now tell us what you DO want? I want love, i know that is a tricky word, but love as in smiles and laughter serious conversations as well as complete nonsense. I want to be desired, not an annoying item to mark off of a to do list. I want to be understood, just the tiniest bit. I want to tell you about my broken-ish big toe, shaded the color of these letters, puffed up like popeye. Seems to thoroughly please a certain smug person every time they lay eyes on it. It pleases me. Brings me right back to the minute with barely any effort whatsoever. 

That was just a dream, just a dream..

I am trying to feel my way toward writing a book or something of the sort. I have remembered myself all the way back to the age of my daughter, and am ready to let that child rest, take the 15 year old version back into the fold, and spoil her rotten, and also understand that I am a being that has been gaining experience for the past 36 years. I am thankful to my body for getting me here, my feet, they are magnificent and have never been without praise and cute shoes for the most part, but I have forgotten to thank them nearly enough for the services they provide. I can run in some heels, fuckers, and I will kick a box down the home stretch. Jeremy says that I always say I am ready to write. I think he means I have often said I would love to write a book, but I have never been sure of what I would write about, as all my memories are of movies, television shows, novels, bands, songs, and so forth. Pop culture, if you will. I told him I am ready to write. That is a different statement and one that I do not believe has been uttered til just now. I am sitting under the light of a beautiful full moon with my sweet kitty in the window, and my dear little family all tucked into bed. I have an idea about playing a cd, or a movie, and writing and maybe letting memories come, free association, til I get a topic to stick on. I am nervous and also elated. I am back on my medicines, and still able to concentrate, more so, even. It is interesting. I am fabulously happy in the present moment, right about now. Not trying to see into the future. Just tidying up the past, I guess! Ha. Very interesting.

The Last Battle

My mommy read The Chronicles of Narnia to me until I had them memorized. Hmm. She wants the same story over and over and over? Well, it is a good one, that is normal. She read them all to me, LWW the most, I have been through that wardrobe many, many times. One day, probably around 2nd grade-ish? who knows, but she tried to read The Last Battle to me. They started to die! Shut that book, woman! Get it the hell out of here. WAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!! OUCH. shrapnel in the heart. what the fuck was that?! So, lets go back to see what The Magician's Nephew is up to, shall we?

OH, then the divorce must have happened. Yeah.  Good times. I have seen the end of Moulin Rouge exactly twice. I will ride that gd Titanic all the way, though. It is resistance. ah, so. Well done, grasshopper. Go play.

Drill Me, Baby

Movies that are stuck in my brain:


Body Double
Nomads (shiver)
Candyman is awesome but I always thought it would have been the best to watch at the Malco. I want to be down town this weekend if we are hanging out in hot springs. i guess i do love this town. and it has been all over me, Bono. I should sort my songs my "Cory". We finally let the 13 year old whore off the hook and welcomed the energetic and rightly optimistic youngest Cory! She is sweet. And curious and loves what she loves. Stray Cats. Pennies From Heaven. Miss Farrell from Annie. I have a barbie outfit that doubled as a version of her yellow, now we are hookin up and i can wear my hair loose and rock some jammieslacks, Daddy outfit. 


these are my memories, all of these movies and songs and shows, and some of you blessed people who just want to prove that we have no concept of time except what we are forced to operate by. it flies by, then, too, doesn't it. The Tao is a pocket book I would recommend. It is so simple. just balance. but that is the hardest thing in the world, to mix your clean white paint into that dark, beautiful black, and make gray. :-D 


Reminder, I have decided to trust you all to understand how subtle my humor can be.


Fuckin' American Beauty won't leave me alone, Grateful Dead on my shuffled tunes. My stars, it came back around to a movie that sticks with me all of it's own momentum. 

The Golden Road is the name of the song. 

Dear Diary

It has been quite a week for me, and quite a year, coming up on 1 year anniversary to Hole! That means that therapy began not long before that! So now I have remembered my deep dark secret, once again, and it is not a big deal. I feel like I can remember all the way back to the girl’s age, now. And I spent all the time between then and now waiting to get molested by some disgusting pervert. I had already been the ‘patient’ for this older boy from next door by then and thought it was no biggie. Whatever. So this time my memory lane earthquake put those 2 things together. I was going to look for this dude on facebook, because he was always so cute. Oh and remember how you saw Star 80 at some early point, as well, and have had a crush on Eric Roberts this whole time. And the only scary serial killer is really Ted Bundy. The boy that took my strawberry shortcakes also, at a later point on the time line, told me that I didn’t get that Pink and Pretty Barbie from ‘The Easter Bunny’, that is not any more real than Santa Claus, silly girl. Poor little girl who’s only things to find besides prince charming are a Playboy Waitress costume and a Barbie Dream House.

Here, again

Maybe my lusty friend will inspire me to get this blog up and running! I am very proud of you, Melly-Mel. You are a rock star. Keep it up. xoxo