Blog Redux

I just like the word 'redux', it seems. I don't remember these old entries. Right now I am sitting up with a sickie child. She has a fever and a cough and cannot go to sleep. I am ready to get all of my interweb ducks lined up and do whatever you do with them. Sell art. Vomit words. Share photos. Play songs. This is a little check 1,2 to see if I like it better here or on Tumblr, or maybe I should go look and see if i have a word press account, too. anyway, scattered, smothered, covered, and not chunked. Let's get to living.

I don't know what this is.

I feel so nice, sitting on my chair in the back yard, by the fence, where the sun will stay latest. Carys is spraying me with the plants water bottle. The wind is blowing every so often, and Cowboy Junkies turned up in the shuffle. We are going to stay on them for a while. It is like daytime david lynch. The pretty stuff. The sun feels amazing. I love to soak it up in every area I can possibly expose without truly traumatizing my child or anyone silly enough to peek through the fence. There is a nice quiet lady one one side whose daughter and grand baby are visiting. they are outside, i can hear the tone of speak that means a baby is in the conversation. The other side has a family, man, woman, kid, doggie. A Yorkie! they also have a grandpa, i think. That dog is adorable. The woman told me that you can run with it. How soon this chick will be running is still a question mark. I stubbed my toe in the largest possible way this weekend. I kicked one of those foot shaped stepping stones. Eyeroll, please. The fucker looks like an abused rump roast in the half price bin. Purple and grey-green, with enough pink to suggest it was alive at sometime not too far in the past.

Back in the yard again.

Dream

I thought i had escaped dreaming in my hiding out today, but my child asked if i dreamed, and suddenly i remembered, yes, i had. I was going to a fancy dinner prom type event, i think it was high school oriented, anyway,  i know I was wearing a beautiful dress, silky and flowing, navy and white, it seems like. Well, at some point I was seated besides this boy that took up entirely too much of my thinking time as a girl, and he was as handsome as ever, nice and neat. Somewhere along the way my dress ripped, and I had to tie part of it around me to keep it on. Mr. W. helped me when it needed attention. 

So, I might as well go stare into a cloud because I have no idea about a thing in this world. I suppose it is a step up from having your dress simply disappear in a crowded high school cafeteria. 

oh, yeah.

Thank god, i have remembered my place in this specific life. Stop your sobbing and clean the fucking house. That is all you gotta do. 

It's all good.

I guess we got home around 230 or 3? well i went to sleep and woke up in the dark, with my barnacle child attached to me and didn't know what or where or any of that stuff for a few. It wasn't that bad, now that i am back here and think about it. I am being a good little mental patient and taking all of my drugs. Need to get 2 refills tomorrow.It really is hard, sometimes, to do that 'don't take anything personally' advice. There are a few people I love beyond reason, and goddamit, you know that is where the arrows can pierce any type of armour. I shouldn't have to explain my self and I won't. I will tell you about my weekend if you like, though. We were supposed to go visit invalid inlaw, but she was not up to it. I, myself was not up for travelling after such a week of illness and recalled memories of magnitude, just wanted to stay home and rest. Well, that is not even something i dare mention. So we go to hot springs. we go to my home away from home and bring the whole fam this time. Oh, who even cares. It was tense, it is still tense, i take all of my drugs and i still remember all the things I took such great care to bury deep in the dirt, old and new. I still do it, just forget in order to forgive. And now on top of feeling like i want to live in my jammies and pour my sour lemonade into keystrokes, i get one last little poke to make me want to cry. I despise crying. I feel like I have met my quota for life, and as with sleep, i want none of it. Sleep, my best friend, and worst enemy. it is easier to pull those poisoned arrows out, but seriously, i don't think i want to be in their path. Now tell us what you DO want? I want love, i know that is a tricky word, but love as in smiles and laughter serious conversations as well as complete nonsense. I want to be desired, not an annoying item to mark off of a to do list. I want to be understood, just the tiniest bit. I want to tell you about my broken-ish big toe, shaded the color of these letters, puffed up like popeye. Seems to thoroughly please a certain smug person every time they lay eyes on it. It pleases me. Brings me right back to the minute with barely any effort whatsoever. 

That was just a dream, just a dream..

I am trying to feel my way toward writing a book or something of the sort. I have remembered myself all the way back to the age of my daughter, and am ready to let that child rest, take the 15 year old version back into the fold, and spoil her rotten, and also understand that I am a being that has been gaining experience for the past 36 years. I am thankful to my body for getting me here, my feet, they are magnificent and have never been without praise and cute shoes for the most part, but I have forgotten to thank them nearly enough for the services they provide. I can run in some heels, fuckers, and I will kick a box down the home stretch. Jeremy says that I always say I am ready to write. I think he means I have often said I would love to write a book, but I have never been sure of what I would write about, as all my memories are of movies, television shows, novels, bands, songs, and so forth. Pop culture, if you will. I told him I am ready to write. That is a different statement and one that I do not believe has been uttered til just now. I am sitting under the light of a beautiful full moon with my sweet kitty in the window, and my dear little family all tucked into bed. I have an idea about playing a cd, or a movie, and writing and maybe letting memories come, free association, til I get a topic to stick on. I am nervous and also elated. I am back on my medicines, and still able to concentrate, more so, even. It is interesting. I am fabulously happy in the present moment, right about now. Not trying to see into the future. Just tidying up the past, I guess! Ha. Very interesting.